Justin Achilli

Yeah, yeah; these pictures are old. I don’t have any new content until tomorrow, so shut the hell up. This is from the Space Madness party at my place.

These are alien seed-pods. They fell from space and landed in my house. How they landed in here, I cannot know, as my roof usually serves to keep things from falling from the sky and into my house. It is a mystery.

From left to right: Lt. Boulle examines the anomalies his fruton galactivator informed him were coming from my house. Kathy rallies the people of Scanty VII to strike back against their oppressors. Joddie Starbuckaroo spikes her own drink with antigravity powders. Striker Brian holds Rock-It Fuel (vodka and Tang) in his Damaging Guyver Fist. Rebeccabot brings pink pleasure to the far reaches of the cosmos.

Striker Brian inflicts Rising Comet Wallop upon a nonexistent enemy (though he may have been vaporized before I got the shot off). DigiFred shines his pants in preparation for cyber-battle. Mike.org emerges from the Matrix. ProtoWalt harmonizes the trans-dimensional microdust between his armored top and rocket-powered drawers.

Infamous wildcat asteroid miner Dirty Ol’ Chao takes a reading while a Mark IX Nicole-droid communicates with her orbiting satellite station in hopes of escape.

Ash Dashbert leaves the comfort of his ‘mech to menace synthetic-humanoid commando AliHarp as the bio-engineered cat-human hybrid known only as Sigrid prepares to maul them both. Tria (I can’t make up a better space name than that) discusses the benefits of wutangium crystals over ion shardlets with spacefaring tramp Mark2D2.

Bethling adjusts Pecos-System Jim’s biofilter while a crazy guy looks on. Seriously, Jim was trying to figure out a way that he could use the dryer-hose part of his costume to “filter” and “reintegrate” his waste products so that he could derive further nutrition from them. Jim’s a weird dude.

Midnight Siege is in, and it’s the first non-clanbook supplement to come out for Vampire in over a year. Want one before it hits stores? Of course you do. Here’s how to get it.

Write a 50-word screenplay about vampires. That’s all you have: 50 words. You must use exactly 50 words, though. The screenplay doesn’t have to be about White Wolf vampires; it can be about any old vampire(s) you want. Your 50 words includes everything, from names to dialogue to stage directions, etc. I’ll pick the one I like best from the slush pile.

Send your screenplay to this address with the subject field “Screenplay,” and have it done by Friday, June 1, at noon my time (EST). I’ll pick the winner, post it here, and mail your book that day.

Yeah, that’s a “buy shit” button over there. Unless I tear my hair out at work first, I’ll be setting up a store where you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs and mouse pads and all that lovely stuff. These won’t be your everyday trinkets, though, nosiree Bob. They’ll have my dazzling wit and graphic design plastered all over them. I bet you can’t wait. I’m not sure why my tearing my hair out would preclude me from getting that done, but you know how it goes.

Another thing I’m working on is linking the current music selection to an online library. Of course, I want to do this legally, so it’s taking some exploration of options.

Just think: Soon you’ll be able to wear my T-shirt and listen to whatever racket I’m rotting my brain with. Lucky you.

Oh, and I don’t think my secret future ex-wife is going to work out. But maybe that’s post-binge depression. We’ll see.

Coming this September, I have my 10-year high-school reunion. I’ll be attending. I’m still at war with my attendance options: subtle and distinguished, or high-drama absurdity? I think it’d be great to bring an obvious hooker and introduce her as my wife. Then again, I’m never really smart enough to fully consider the consequences of my actions. That’s why I’m writing this from jail.

In an update or two, I’ll have something really good for the two of you who read this. Look for it Friday.

My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary.
- Martin Luther

And always remember: It doesn’t matter how shitty you are, as long as someone you know has sold some records, he can use his influence to make sure we’re hearing you instead of someone talented.

dingo-sting malingo


wee bairn!

I want to be six-foot-eight and 275 pounds.

Get the hell away from me.

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Do dips until you fail. Use this weight bench to hold you up.

If I fail, won’t I fall on my ass?

That’s right.

Do I pay you?

Alright, smartass, do 10 more after you fail.

Pipes.

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Grab this bar, pull yourself up, swing your legs over the other side of the frame, and then pull yourself up 10 times.

Like an upside-down pushup while hanging from the underside of this bank of machines?

You got it.

Schlitz.

Gentle Lobster Boy
Floating in the burning sea
Do not beat your wife

Some of you are probably familiar with the work of my friend Lawrence Snelly. He’s done a buncha work for White Wolf, including the covers of several books and numerous cards for various collectible card games. As a sort of scoop for those of you who play the roleplaying games and read the Justin Web page, he’s doing the cover for the forthcoming Cairo by Night title for Vampire: The Masquerade.

He’s not just a game illustrator, though. Take a look at this:

This is a pin-up Lawrence did for Guy Davis’ Marquis comic, published by Oni Press. Cool as all hell.

Jason DeMotte wins the free, pre-release copy of Clanbook: Ravnos. The rest of you should skin him alive next time you see him.

Somewhere Crappy, USA – Teenagers and frat-tards rejoiced today to learn that perennially angry-for-no-reason noisemakers Korn Bizkit and Fred Bizkit would join forces to create one extra-noisy, double-vapid “supergroup.”

“Wooohooooooo,” a member of Sigma Phi Dickhead is quoted as saying before raping several girls at his campus and vomiting Jagermeister.

The group’s new name will, according to the band at the time of the press conference, Korn Bizkit Fuck. A spokesman for the group stated that the new name was chosen so that the parents of the suburban teenagers who listen to this sort of garbage would be very angry. “We’re telling the parents of the nation that we’re just not going to stand by and take it anymore,” said lead singer of Korn, That Guy with the Fat Neck. When asked by reporters what they would no longer stand by and take, a dubiously contributing member of Durst Bizkitz, Bald Elf with Gut replied, “You know. We’re just tired of it, and a lot of kids know exactly what we’re talking about.”

Already heard across the nation blaring from the speakers of late-80s Camaros and parent-purchased SUVs, Korn Anger and Bizkits are considered groundbreaking acts in the very popular rap/metal hybrid that vaguely surly adolescents favor currently. Expectations for the supergroup on behalf if their label Pipes Records are favorable, and the band hopes to have a new album out within the next 15 minutes.

“The new album is going to have some serious shit on it,” claimed That Backwards Hat Guy, from one group or the other. When asked again for some greater clarification, every member of the collective just shrugged, but the words “buncha cussing” and “hell of a lot of repetitive minor chords” were overheard.

As strains of the band’s new single, “Fuck You, Dad” rose from the public-address system, signaling the end of the press conference, someone was heard to ask, “Is there any way we can get Insane Clown Posse involved with this project?”

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Highlights from Press Q&A

Reporter: So, what is it you’re so angry about?

Korn Biscuit Knife Fuckers: The fucking state of the world, man. It’s like, you know, how long are we just supposed to sit here and accept what’s being spoon-fed to us by the mainstream?

R: Um… you are mainstream. For God’s sake, Durst Hat sang with Christina Aguilera at the MTV Music Awards last year.

KBKF: Next question.

R: So, seriously. You’re all millionaires now and you came from white, middle-class suburban families. What could you possibly have to complain about?

KBDKFB: Once my dad wouldn’t let me take the minivan to the mall. I was all, “Fuck you, man!” And then I just walked away.

R: My sources said you just went to your room and wrote curses on your school notebook.

KTXBFRKB: Next question.

R: Hey, Durst Bixtang, why did you back down from a fistfight with Self-Important Bad Haircut Guy from Creed?

NKOTB: Violence isn’t the answer.

R: How do you justify that after the rape-riot-fire you incited at Woodstock 99?

90210: Man, we just walked away and said, “Fuck you, man!” How long do the moms and dads of this world expect us just to stand by and take it?

R: The hell with this.

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Extra Feature! Interview Outside the Press Conference with That Bizkalifornia Guy with the Contacts!

Reporter: So, what’s the deal?

Wes Borland: I wear these contacts and I dress this way to express myself, man. It’s like, who wants to look like everybody else? You get picked on for just being the least bit different, you know? I mean, how long am I supposed to stand by and take that shit?

R: No, I mean, what’s the deal with the taxicabs in this city? I’ve been waiting for 10 minutes.