Justin Achilli

…at Wizard World last year. This high-quality comic turned up in Chad’s office, and you know what that means. Or maybe you don’t, in which case, you’re like me. I’m so hungry I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore.

The bad-taste bastard breaks the junky’s golden rule by pitten oan “Heroin,” the version oan Lou Reed’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Animal, which, if anything, is even mair painful tae listen tae whin yir sick than the original version oan The Velvet Underground and Nico. Mind you, at least this version doesnae huv John Cale’s screeching viola passage oan it. Ah couldnae huv handled that.

Sorry for the slow updates of late. Work’s been all busy, I had a computer crash, and it’s been an extra-drunken 10 days for various reasons that I don’t really feel comfortable sharing here.

But enough of that crap. What you’re really here for is my moronic jabber, so here you go.

Word is that at a recent press retreat, Retarded President Bush’s press secretary, Ari Fleischer got all drunk and performed a stirring rendition of Young MC’s “Bust a Move.” You think I’m lying? Fuck off. Here’s the detail, as reported by US News and World Report.

Rap master Ari
Maybe it was the brisk sea air or the beer at Kennebunkport’s Federal Jack’s pub. Whatever it was, Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer went wild on the karaoke machine during President Bush’s recent visit to the family retreat. Fleischer sang the old hip-hop song “Bust a Move,” from Young MC. “He was unbelievably good, but who could remember? We were all drunk,” says a reporter.

Why am I reading US News and World Report? Blatant cynicism? Stoking the fires of impotent political fury? No. Yesterday, when I went to the Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy a new set of sheets and pillows, the passenger-side window fell out of the door. Weird shit. It was covered by my warranty, of course, but as I waited in the customer lounge for them to replace this “common problem,” my choices were either watch Joe Versus the Volcano or read the Report. Now, I don’t know about you, but any time spent watching a movie with Meg Ryan is like time spent peeling one’s own crisped flesh from his unspeakables in a rubbing alcohol-filled pit beneath Hell’s basement.

And while I was in Bed, Bath & Beyond, I heard Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us Apart” on the store music system. It scared the hell out of me.

Speaking of Joy Division, New Order’s new album getready is unbelievably bad ass. The new single, “Crystal” is out (and I’ll be spinning the Bedrock remix at our DragonCon party next weekend), so give the damn thing a listen. God bless the return of swirly, twangy, Peter Hook bass guitar. I’m like crystal, baby. It’s also got some great lyrical ambiguity, which is something I’ve always loved about new order. You remember “Love Vigilantes”? Where Bernard Sumner talks about When I walked through the door my wife she lay upon the floor/ and with tears her eyes were sore I did not know why/ Then I looked into her hand and I saw the telegram/ it said that I was a brave brave man but that I was dead. Okay, so was this just an error made by the army? Or was he dead and a ghost who returned home and found out that, indeed, he was dead. It’ll turn your brain inside out, thinking about that. And there’s stuff like that on the new album.

Oh, and about mixing, I have a new mix put together. It’s in crappy 56K mono, but that’s because it’s almost 80 minutes long. Once I find a host — I’ll see if Caz can handle it — I’ll put up a link and you can rokk with me.

Sorry about that last entry. If you caught it before I negged it, I’m even more sorry. B.; I’m sorry again.

Goddamnit. Some nightmarish server problem is preventng me from dumping new assets into my directories. What’s that mean? No new pretty pictures for the time being. Is this mess loading agonizingly slowly for anyone else? Drop me a line and met me know.

Since I can’t do much in the way of new content, I wrote you all this poem. I’m quite a poet.

We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did the words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that’s why they say

Chorus:
Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and
easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you’d be here somehow
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess

Chorus

Though it’s been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains

Solo

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I’d known what to say
Instead of makin’ love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Chorus

In the meantime, you Flash-capable motherfuckers need to check out Swedish Chicken All-Star Racing or whatever the hell this is. You won’t be sorry.

Criminy. Back from GenCon, finally, and I needs some rest. In the interests of saving my liver and entertaining both of you who still read my little shitheap, here’s a link dump.

But first, what’s the story with my secret girlfriend? The world may never know. It’s been over a year since the last soul-blighting disaster of a “relationship” that was more than a single date, and I need to fire up the old self-hatred engine again. I can now walk past a MAC while they’re playing the Cure and not devolve into a wreckage of tears and bile, so it’s time to hop back on the wagon.

Right. Link dump. Here it is.

First, sometimes I have to take a wee. I generally try to keep things from getting scatological around here, but what can you do? In fact, this wasn’t even really scatological, just stupid. Still, it’s funny.

Second, after spending a week at GenCon, I can sympathize with these authorities.

Coming soon: GenCon details, the woe of stock shifts at the Gap, and hopefully something worth a smile (but don’t bet the farm). I’ve got a new “dialogues” lined up, too, but Stewart might kill me.

Cowboy-hat me seems to be unpopular around here, but when you’re a redneck, you don’t have many choices in life.

Man, for a link dump, that sucked.

Thanks to everyone who came by the booth and hit the party. We do this shit for you, and thanks for hanging out with us.