I remember growing up with the Transformers–
Bully for you.
Erm, yes. So, what, exactly was the distinction between Autobots and Decepticons? I mean, the Autobots were obviously mostly cars–
Way to go, Professor Science. Here’s a hint: That’s what the “auto” in “Autobot” signified.
Right, then. So what was the common link with the Decepticons? They’re all items of deception? What do a gun [Megatron], some construction vehicles [the Constructicons] and a tape recorder [Soundwave himself] have in common?
Fuck if I know. I didn’t make the shit up. I was just made one day. When you’re an inorganic construct, you don’t really think too much about whoever it was that put your ass together. I mean, come on. You saw the movie, right?
I don’t blame you. It pretty much sucked. It didn’t make any sense and it suffered from escalating power syndrome.
What do you mean?
All the old Transformers made sense in some fashion or another. Megatron was a gun; Optimus Prime was a tractor-trailer. What the fuck was a Galvatron? When I hear the word “Galvatron,” I think of galvanized trashcans. I’m not sure that some badass intergalactic space cannon or whatever the fuck Galvatron was supposed to be would want his moniker putting trembling humans in the mindset of sanitation trucks. But there you go.
Is this the age-old argument of success versus quality? Like when a favorite band becomes popular, it’s all of the sudden not cool to like them? The mainstreaming of what was once subculture negating the value of the subculture itself?
No. Just that Galvatrons and Rodimus Primes and all that other ridiculous crap sucked. The people in charge of design obviously ran out of ideas and just started putting bullshit down on paper. It doesn’t have anything to do with becoming a sensation. It has to do with an idea being creatively strip-mined.
What’s the story with you in that photo with Waffle House?
If you laid all the bacon Waffle House prepares in a year end-to-end, it’d go from Atlanta to Los Angeles seven times. That’s just a ridiculous amount of bacon. I can’t condone that. So I smashed that fucking Waffle House in protest.
Do you ever travel? You know… take vacations and stuff?
Sometimes, yeah. Like, here’s a picture of me at the Fort Worth Water Gardens with some people.
Who are those people?
Fuck, I don’t know. I was just there and I saw they were trying to take a picture and so I got in the way on purpose. Then I went over to the photographer, beat his ass and took his camera.
You’re a lot more hostile than Destro was. Why?
Destro is merely human and the flesh is weak. I am metal: cold and unyielding. I am programmed to wreck shit, and being nice and remorseful would only inpede my functions. Plus, Destro’s a pussy.
Is that a blue whale?
Yep. I’m waterproof. I could totally beat that whale’s ass, too.
Since you brought it up, let’s talk about that. In the Water Gardens picture, you’re maybe two to two-and-a-half times bigger than the people in the picture. Let’s say about fifteen feet tall. And in the picture of the blue whale, you’re obviously much bigger than it and it measures some 80 feet in length on average. What’s the deal?
All Transformers had that power. I mean, if you were going from the basis of the toys, that shit was all fucked up. Look at that Bumblebee thing [an older model Volkswagen Beetle]. Compare him to, say, Jazz [a Porsche 911]. Is the 911 really sixteen times the size of a Volkswagen? Is it really half the size of a tractor-trailer? That was just how the shit was designed. Crappily. Fuck, Megatron was bigger than any Decepticon out there for a long time. And he turns into a pistol that fucking Starscream can handle? What fucking sense does that make? Tell me.
You seem to resent your design. Or perhaps what you are.
No, I’m just pissed that the people in charge of making things make sense were obviously getting paid but not doing their job. Last I checked, they all worked in the OS division of Microsoft after Transformers shut down operations. How do these people even get jobs?
You brought up Starscream. I always liked the line, “Never underestimate the stupidity of Starscream.”
Nobody cares what you like.
Ow. Would you let go of my arm?