Okay, so a while back, I posted some little thing about White Wolf Celebrity Boxing. Assuming all goes well, this is going to happen at GenCon this year. I’m signed on to fight whomever they bring to the ring for me. I figure it’s a crapshoot. I mean, I’m in better condition than 90 percent of the people in this business, but there’s also a disturbingly high ratio of martial arts practitioners, of which I ain’t one. I’ve offered to give up as much as 50 pounds to a competitor (I’ll be 168 at weigh-in; I’m 163 now), but there’s still that potential for having a trained fighter in the opposite corner.
But, see, that’s not really important. I can take a beating like nobody’s business and I’m relying on innate meanness to deal one out, so my technical situation is already dealt with in my mind. What’s critical is the proper choice of entrance theme music.
To that end, I’ve been racking my brain to figure out what’s the best song by which to parade my glorious self down to the ring. I need a little help, here, so take a gander at these five songs and tell me which one you think would work best.
Go dig up samples of these at whatever online music-purchase service you regularly use (They’re all at cdnow, for example, except for the Oakenfold track). Give ‘em a listen. I’m thinking we’ll have between 40 seconds and a full minute for ring intro.
“Chinese Burn” (Lunatic Calm Remix) by Curve
Pros: Sounds like a fistfight already in progress. When I end up making a movie and people in it are kicking the sweet zombie bejeezus out of each other, I’m using this fucking song.
Cons: Rob Hatch has already unofficially claimed the album cut of this song as his pro-wrestling theme music.
“Saviour” by VNV Nation
Pros: Holy shit. A stomping, murderous, Teutonic speed-dirge evoking images of somebody (hopefully me) thundering, piston-like, into the rapidly softening grill of the poor fool in the ring with him.
Cons: Possibly being the poor fool on the receiving end of the pistoning fists.
“Supermoves” by Overseer
Pros: Another song that just sounds like a fucking beatdown. Huge, big-beat mania that gets really overwrought after the breakdown.
Cons: Takes too long to develop. Jesus, it’s not like I can be out there hopping around for the five full minutes this song takes to play through. Might work with a bit of sound editing so I start after the breakdown.
“Ready Steady Go” by Paul Oakenfold
Pros: Very full-bodied song that doesn’t exceed itself with too much tempo, but still has some staccato sounds that make me think of punching the fuck out of people.
Cons: Sounds vaguely like something that didn’t make the Swordfish soundtrack.
“Cowgirl” by Underworld
Pros: I have this song on my .mp3 player that I wear while doing my workout and invariably I imagine hitting people when it comes on. I would very much like to actually hit people while this is on, so I might push for the Bedrock version of this song to play while the actual fight is taking place.
Cons: “Cowgirl” isn’t exactly a daunting title for theme music.
“Medal” (Kurt Angle’s Theme) from WWF Music Vol. 5
Pros: Homage to the greatest wrestler ever to step into the ring.
Cons: Only fellow wrestling geeks would get it.
“…Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears
Pros: Really fucking disturbing, especially as an introduction to an asskicking.
Cons: Possibly a little too disturbing.
“Where’s Your Head At?” by Basement Jaxx
Pros: A good-time banger, uptempo but not overwhelming, that’s goofy enough to be enjoyable but still, fundamentally, rocks.
Cons: Makes me think of Coca-Cola commercials because Basement Jaxx sold “Red Alert” for use as a jingle.
“Smash It Up” by the Damned
Pros: Part II, of course. A good, old-fashioned non-electronic rock & roll song from a band that made songs about skeletons, zombies, mad scientists and murderers into a viable genre.
Cons: The goddamn Offspring covered it for Joel Schumacher’s hideous Batman and Robin Suck Again. And the only thing I hate more than the Offspring is… well, okay, I hate a lot of things worse than the Offspring, but I sure don’t like them one bit.