Oh, man, you know how there are just some songs that, no matter how old or stupid or not really good, they’re just so hot that every time you hear them, you jump out of your chair and throw a bottle at some guy and the next thing you know, shit’s all gone to hell and there’s cops and people are throwing bottles at you and it’s one crazy shit of a good time? I wish all songs were that good. Then again, if all songs were that good, it would reduce the radness of the whole thing because you’d just expect so much ROCK all the time that pure radness would become the average. So, yeah, we pretty much need shit like Collective Soul to make sure that Ozzy still kicks our lungs in every time he shows up.
But, hell, you already know about Ozzy. Good for you. Here’s 10 other songs that cause the pH balance of your blood-borne ROCK GENES to fire through the roof. Not to be taken internally.
Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills"
I can’t really hear any of the words, but this song’s just got some frenzied craze of activity going on. It’s probably about running from the Devil or running from that Eddie thing or something, but who cares? Bruce Dickinson is screaming, the guitars are all wailing, and you’re standing on the goddamn gas pedal like there aren’t a pair of police cruisers behind you. Yeah, that’s it. It’s probably about running from the cops.
Danzig, "Snakes of Christ"
It’s not all speedy, but you know some villainous shit is about to go down when the guitars start licking this one to life. Once again, I can’t pick out any of the words, and I’m not really sure what Christ had to do with snakes, but once again, it doesn’t matter. This is the sort of song that gives you that look in your eye so bad that your girlfriend has you pull the car over and let her out before any warrants are issued or body parts turn up.
Andrew W.K., "Party Hard"
You can’t beat this guy’s ethic — two-thirds of his songs are about "partying" and the remaining third are about "partying" until you throw up. Every now and then, when you think to yourself, "being a beer snob is kind of boring" and you turn shit loose with the PBR or the Hamm’s or the Schaefer, that’s the secret mind control rock technique of Andrew W.K. short-circuiting the wires in your brain. And "Party Hard" you do, because all the beer is causing this chemical reaction with all the ROCK isotopes in your muscles and all bets are off. Like as not, you will crash through a plate glass window when you hear this song and you have any alcohol in your body. After you do it, you’ll be lying on the floor and there’s blood everywhere and you’re missing teeth, but you’re still smiling and everyone around you is all, "Fuck, man, that was sweet."
Guns ‘N’ Roses, "Rocket Queen"
Hell, any of the songs off Appetite for Destruction would send you into a kamikaze ROCK spiral, but this last one really brings it all home. There’s that part at the end of the song where they break it down, and then there’s that part where you can hear exactly what Axl Rose is saying but none of it makes any sense, but by then you and your stupid friends are all daring each other to slam the car hood down on each other’s heads or to stab each other "just to see if it really hurts." And then, fuck it, you head off to the go-kart track and crash into each other because it just doesn’t matter.
Journey, "Any Way You Want It"
Hey, not all songs have to be bad ass to ROCK. This one is about rocking even though you’re wearing a thrift-store T-shirt with no sleeves and some crappy nylon shorts your mom bought you and made you wear, but it’s all cool because at any second, Journey could fire out from some speakers somewhere and before you know it, there’d be cans of beer being passed around and bikini chicks and some guy with those Tom Cruise Risky Business sunglasses. The cops would show up and try to shut down the party, but Tom Cruise Sunglasses Guy would just say, "Is there a problem, officer?" and hand them beers and they’d rock the hell out of the joint as well. After it was all over, you’d say "Man, were we rocking to Journey?" and your friends would look at you, nodding, and their eyes would wince sheepishly and you’d never speak of it again.
The Cult, "She Sells Sanctuary"
Remember back when you first discovered that you were sort of a punk or a new waver or whatever subculture you found yourself belonging to? This song was playing, and you were like, "That’s it. Van Halen doth rock no longer." And you wanted hair like Ian Astbury (if you were a guy) or you wanted to get on Ian Astbury (if you were a girl) but then you realized that you were just some no-goodnik teenager, so you stole some cigarettes and wore a trenchcoat and turned the Cult up just a little bit louder.
Stone Temple Pilots. "Interstate Love Song"
Continuing to establish the relationship between MAXIMUM ROCK and unintelligibility, this song made you want to get in your car and just go, go, GO. It was road trip music, and damn if STP didn’t know it because that’s what they called the song. See, it was usually rad because whoever was rocking didn’t really care that you were rocking with them, but Stone Temple Pilots said, "We made this song so that you may rock. Now proceed, and get on the highway to do so." You replied, "Why thanks, STP," and made up a bunch of lyrics that vaguely matched the meter of the actual lyrics in the song, except it’s not very likely that STP was singing about your dog.
Iggy Pop, "The Passenger"
This song made your dad nervous and it made your mom take away all the Velvet Underground tapes you had, but only because she didn’t know Iggy wasn’t part of that band and she thought the Stooges was a slapstick black-and-white comedy troupe on Channel Nine in the afternoon. So you sneaked away to listen to this tape by yourself or with your scabby little friends, all fired up on how edgy you were, but beneath all that rebelliousness, this song made you really worried about being in an alley or getting in a car with people you didn’t know. Even at the ripe old age of however old you are, this song still scares the bejeezus out of you.
The Damned, "Wait for the Blackout"
Yeah, you think the Damned were at their best with "New Rose" or "Smash It Up" but nothing got the punches flying faster than "Wait for the Blackout." When this song came on, you might find yourself head-butting a friend into submission, picking up one of those cheap metal bar chairs and throwing it, or pinned underneath a pool table. Whatever the case, you woke up the next afternoon and thought to yourself, "Christ, I’d better get home and pour some bactine on this."
Motorhead, "Ace of Spades"
I’m sitting at my desk writing this, but Lemmy just drove a stolen Lincoln through my window and now he’s jacking my head with a tire iron. He’s all junked and I can’t understand a word he’s saying, and he’s, like, 200 years old, but what am I going to do? It’s Lemmy. And he knows how I feel.