There comes a time in every boy’s life when he finds himself set adrift, casting about for what direction to take with his life. Given my recent resignation, I will find myself in that situation six months or so from now. While the resignation carries with it an infinite potential and a certain sense of freedom, it happens to come at the price of unemployment and homelessness. As an American enduring round two of the Bush regime, I’ll say right away that’s not a good place to be.
So what to do? Where to go? What endeavor to undertake next? Here are a few things I’ve been kicking around.
Benefits: Get paid to kick ass.
Drawbacks: Too old. “Drunken brawler” isn’t a real martial art. Unreliable money.
What this job carries in key aspects of awesomeness, it utterly lacks in stability. Also, it’s a job in which you can legitimately expect to break your arm frequently and as a matter of course. I’m too mummified to shamble around the ring — I’m so old, the only place I have any business fighting anyone is in a local dive bar or the WWE, where Hulk Hogan and I can compare bone spurs for the title.
Benefits: Sport of kings. Bitches. Money. Cars.
Drawbacks: Giant dudes have sole responsibility of kicking your ass as a job.
If Vinny Testaverde can play, I’m young enough to play. On the other hand, Vinny Testaverde has been playing football for, like, 25 years which I… uh… haven’t. But I can’t possibly be any worse than Josh McCown or Trent Dilfer. Or Daunte Culpepper in his last four games. Ouch, that hurt to say.
Benefits: Million-dollar prizes. Vegas high-roller lifestyle.
Drawbacks: Have to be around people who have goatees. Recycled hotel air.
This is a kind of cool job because poker is hella fun. When your hobby becomes your job, though, burnout is inevitable. Also, it’s too up-and-down. One day, you’re twenty grand up; the next day, you’re selling plasma at the clinic for five-dollar buy-ins. Poker relies too much on luck to be a stable job.
Drawbacks: The bailiwick of human detritus.
I’ve done this before, actually. “Hello, Mr. Smith? This is Justin calling on behalf of GTE, your local telephone company. The reason for my call, Mr. Smith is that right now, we’re offering free installation on telephone features that are available in your OH, PLEASE GOD, KILL ME. I quit.”
Supreme Court Justice Nominee
Benefits: Apparently requires no experience or qualification.
Drawbacks: I’m not involved with the right group of nepotists or cronies.
Nice work if you can get it.
So there you have it. In all honesty, I know what I’m going to do, but I’m not really making much of it yet. The project is underway, but there are too many variables right now for me to come right out and commit. I don’t want to have to eat my words, after all.
Oh, and if you say, “You should be a pirate/ninja/cowboy!” in the comments, you lose.