Justin Achilli

The time to sell paper draws to a close. I’m quitting to write full time. It’s like choosing to be a vagrant. On the other hand, 40 hours a week took too much time away from my pursuit of Demimonde. It’s not a bad job by any means, it just keeps me from doing what I need to do. Eight hours a day beats a dude up, especially when it’s 110 degrees outside and that dude is hucking cartons of paper into people’s trucks. So, you know, hey; starving artist time. Ramen for lunch and dinner. Make it happen. Get the book done.

It could be worse, though. There are worse jobs than mine. I’ll name five. See if you can think of more. Collect and trade!

Guy Who Stands and Holds a Sign Outside
Pros: None I can think of. I guess it’s not work you take home with you, though. There’s a certain freedom of mind in that. I don’t think it’s too deeply Zen but it doesn’t have to be.
Cons: Usually, yeah. It’s some of the only work they can get. Also, bloody hot outside.

Taco Cabana Ad Copywriter
Pros: The company has deep pockets and is growing quickly. Stores serve beer and margaritas.
Cons: You have to convince people they want a food item called a pupusa. A pupusa. Future menu items slated for advertising endeavors include the fecetada, scumito, and snotchos.

Scapegoat Congressman
Pros: You will live a life of luxury… for a time. Then your fellow scumbags will offer you up for public destruction. Your utter lack of conscience will ensure that you don’t lose any sleep, though.
Cons: You will richly deserve your public destruction. You will draw an eight-year-and-four-month corruption sentence, the greatest in American history. You will die in jail. You will deserve to die in jail. You’ll probably be unable to bear the sentence, though, and you’ll die in shock that you’re actually accountable for your treachery (like Ken Lay).

Detroit Lions Quarterback
Pros: No matter how bad you are, your’e still better than Charlie Batch and Joey Harrington.
Cons: Kevin Jones is a bust, so you’re going to have to do all the work. You have receivers like Roy Williams (always hurt) and Corey Bradford (ancient and a former Houston Texan), so even if you have an arm, nobody’s going to be catching your passes other than the defense’s safeties. Your O-line leaks like a sieve, so you’ll spend a lot of time looking up at the stadium lights anyway.

Guy Who Delouses Tommy Lee
Pros: Groupies. Probably pays well.
Cons: Constant proximity to living bucket of hepatitis. You’ll likely have to be around when that fat guy from Korn comes to hang out, too. You’re better off salvaging what dignity you can and forming an emo band. That way you can tell your parents what you do for a living and they’ll only laugh at you.